​I’ve been dealing with some things recently. Maybe you’ve had this happen to you. Here’s what “this” is:
 
I’ve been dealing with a lot of frustration and discontent over the last several months. Really over the last year. Recently I’ve begun to ask God to show me what was going on in my heart and why I was dealing with all this stuff.
 
You gotta be careful what you ask God for in prayer. When you ask Him to reveal to you what’s going on in your heart, that may very well be the most painful thing you could ever ask for. When I asked God to show me what was going on in my heart. He was gracious enough in His love to do that.
 
And it has not been pretty. My heart is a dark chasm of idolatry and self. Actually, let me put it this way. I have made self my idol. It has taken on many forms but at the bottom of this deep darkness is self. My very identity has been taken over by self rather than Christ.
 
And then, of course, I also asked God to take away from me the things that were keeping me from a closer walk with Him.
 
Can I just tell you that you better be sure about that prayer before you pray it?! I think too often we pay lip service to being pruned and made into His image. Truth is, pruning usually hurts.
 
I’ll elaborate.
 
Let’s start with fitness. Anyone who knows my life and me over the last 8-9 years knows I’ve been all up in the fitness world. I drank the CrossFit Kool-Aid in 2009 and never looked back. I competed in 2010-2011 and even reached the pinnacle of Regionals in 2011. 2012-2015 I owned an affiliate and did some local competitions. I now work for Iron Tribe Fitness in Birmingham, AL.
 
A huge part of my identity has been tied up in being the fittest guy in the room for quite awhile. Now, in fairness, I’m not the fittest guy in the room in some rooms but in others I am. Heck, my wife and I met at a CrossFit gym in Noblesville, Indiana. Intensity is my middle name. Get the picture?
 
Over the last several months, things have changed. I was recently diagnosed with ulcers and told, not to stop working out, but to take it a bit easier in life in general. During this time, I have seen a dramatic drop in strength (for me at least) and then 2 weeks ago, I injured my shoulder again.
 
My doctor said to me this week, “Listen, I think at some point you have to accept the fact that you are getting older and there are some things that maybe you need to think about. Like risk and reward kind of thinking. Sure, you can keep pushing the levels but at what cost?”
 
I had to take a step back mentally and ask myself some hard questions. I don’t have to stop working out but I need to be a little smarter about the volume at which I train. I mean, let’s be real, I’m not a competitive athlete anymore. And that’s when it hit me.
 
If I’m not training and performing at that level, who am I? I had a real struggle of identity for a minute…actually for a few days.
 
Let me bring it a little closer. I left my law enforcement career to follow what my wife and I truly believed was the call of God to go into vocational ministry. We sacrificed a lot to go to seminary. Then we became real super Christians and went into church planting, following what we believed and our elders confirmed was a legitimate call on our lives.
 
And things fell apart. Went down in flames. And we were left holding the pieces and burnt ashes of dreams that got torn down and burnt up. And it hurt a lot. But we moved on.
 
Or so I thought.
 
We prayed for God’s provision and He provided the job I now have. We are close to my family for the first time in many years and part of a really good church here. Things are seemingly beginning to settle down for us.
 
So why am I still struggling with these issues of self worth and identity? This last Sunday our pastor preached on the High Priestly prayer from John 17 (we’re in a series in John). The pastor talked about how we are in Christ and about our identity. I don’t remember the exact words the pastor used but he said something along the lines of identity and being in Christ and our identity being found in Him alone and man, the Spirit pricked me. It was like He said, “Your identity is found in everything around me but not me.” That hurt.
 
Then yesterday I was having a conversation with a pastor friend of mine in Indy and he talked about how gracious God has been to me in this time; by giving me a job that has provided for my family financially, by allowing us to live closer to my parents in the their retirement, by blessing us with yet another healthy child…and I was pricked again by the Spirit. It was like He said, “See, I have been gracious to you. Am I not enough?”
 
Then I read an article yesterday by Jared Wilson in which he talked about leaving ministry and the idolatry that being in ministry had been for him. Jared made the statement that along the lines of ‘if God takes something away from you and it causes an identity crisis, it’s an idol.’ And it hit me like a truck.
 
My idol was me and my desires.
 
Sure, they were good desires. It is a good and Christ honoring thing to plant churches and preach the Word and share the gospel with others.
 
Unless it becomes an idol.
 
At the heart of our deepest desire, if we’re not careful, we find idolatry. If our deepest desire isn’t Christ and who He is, then our desire is not for him but for ourselves.
 
I had taken a very good desire to serve Christ and His Church and, in my flesh, twisted it into my own identity. Who was I without being a pastor and church planter? Who was I if I wasn’t doing what I believed God called me to?
 
But then the Spirit comes, reminding me that my very identity is Christ. My existence is now Christ and Him crucified.
 
I find myself comforted by the fact that many of the heroes of the Bible were idolatrous in some way. Yet God used them. Why? Why would God use idolatrous and sinful people?
 
Because they’re not the point. I’m not the point. You’re not the point. The goal is not to be the savior but to model the Saviour.
 
Christ is the point.
 
God used all those idolatrous and sinful people and He still uses sinful and idolatrous people like me because Christ is the point. He gets the glory.
 
And how does He work for His glory and my good? By conforming me to His image (see Romans 8:29).
​And what is His image, what are we to be like?
 
“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking on the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” – Philippians 2:6
 
Humility.
Emptying ourselves.
Taking on the form of a servant.
​Becoming obedient.
 
If Jesus’ identity is found in who the Father says He is, how much more is my identity found in who the Father says I am.
 
He calls me son.
 
That is enough.

Soli Deo Gloria!

I have been told more times than once that I talk too much. That isn’t a mystery to people who know me well, that I like to have a good conversation. I do, however, have a tendency to be open and honest to the point that it makes some people uncomfortable. I’ve found that people, by and large, are really uncomfortable with honesty.

I’ve also found this to be true in the Church.

It’s a mystery to me why so many Christians seem to have such a hard time being honest with each other. Why can’t we just admit our brokenness, struggles with sin and what we wrestle with in life? I mean, it’s not like we’re perfect. So why are we pretending like we’ve got it figured out and have no problems?

Anyways, I want to talk a little bit about repentance and confession in this post. I’m not talking about going to a priest kind of confession. I’m not Catholic and find the practice of confession to a priest and his subsequent absolution abhorrent and anti-gospel. I’m talking about confession of sin to each other within the body of Christ. We need to recognize that unconfessed sin damages more than just you personally; it hurts the body of Christ also and robs God of His glory.

One of the reasons I love the Psalms is that the writers of the Psalms, specifically David, seem to have no problem talking about what’s going on in their heart, crying out to God and talking about some dark things. I wish we were as honest with ourselves and each other as the writers of the Psalms were.

I’ve had some recent experience with repentance and confession and would like to talk a bit about that.

I’ve recently been forced to face some issues in my own heart of things I was holding on to. I learned some lessons about how unconfessed sin can do some serious damage to our own hearts. So I want to talk about three specific things that unconfessed sin does.

1. Unconfessed sin damages our own heart.

I discovered this for myself in the situation referred to above. I had harbored some anger, bitterness and resentment toward some brothers in Christ. Now, don’t get me wrong. I knew it was wrong of me to hold on to this. Ya’ll, I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. This is the nature of sin. It corrupts us and damages our heart. I knew the feelings I had toward these brothers was sinful but I didn’t care. The “power” that unforgiveness held over me began to poison my heart.

Then, a few weeks ago, in His mercy, God showed me my sin. We were worshipping with our church family and the time for the Lord’s Supper came up. I knew that I was taking the Lord’s Table in an unworthy manner. I knew that I had harbored these feelings toward those brothers in my heart and, in that moment, the Spirit convicted me in a powerful way. I knew in that moment that I had to confess to my brothers my sin toward them.

It really doesn’t matter what they may or may not have done to offend me. That’s not the point. I needed to admit the darkness and hardness of my own heart. Repentance begins with you. Don’t wait for that person who has offended you to repent. You repent before the face of God, recognizing that your sin is ultimately against God.

Unconfessed sin damages our own heart.

2. Unconfessed sin causes division in the Church.

It may not be our intention to cause division but that is precisely what we are doing when we harbor unconfessed sin in our hearts. We are saying, in effect, that we are more important than the unity of the body of Christ. Our own selfish desires drive division and, make no mistake, unconfessed sin will cause division. When I held on to my sinful anger toward those brothers, I was ultimately causing division in the very group of people that Christ died for. How dare I/we think so highly of ourselves that we refuse to confess and smear the very name of Jesus!

Unconfessed sin causes division in the Church.

3. Unconfessed sin robs God of His glory.

Ultimately, this is the real problem with unconfessed sin in our lives. We make ourselves to be gods and, in effect, tell Jesus that what He has done isn’t quite good enough. See, when we don’t admit our sin, we basically say that we don’t need Jesus. We’re good enough on our own to forgive ourselves.

Listen, let me tell you something if you don’t know. You’re broken, darker than you realize and your problem is simple. You are a sinner in need of the forgiveness that can only come through repentance and faith in Jesus. Your sin will separate you eternally from your Creator. So will mine.

This is the beauty of the Gospel. We are all equally broken and our hearts are desperately wicked. We are all equally in need of salvation. Praise God that He has provided what we most need, salvation in His Son, Jesus! Let’s stop pretending like we’ve got stuff figured out and live in openness before each other, admitting our need for a Saviour and reveling in His goodness and provision in the forgiveness of our sin through Jesus!
​
Praise Him for His goodness!
 
Soli Deo Gloria!
 

Today I had to sit down and look my 3 year old in the face and ask her forgiveness for being unkind. That was hard.

Being a parent is hard.

Being a parent is hard for a lot of reasons. The main reason I’m finding that being a parent is hard is because I’m selfish and lack grace in my own heart.

I know this is true because recently I’ve seen my own lack of grace…and my wife has pointed it out to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad about my wife calling me out. Well, if I’m being honest, I was actually really pissed and defensive when the conversations (plural) happened.

Here’s something the Holy Spirit is pointing out to me recently through conversations with my wife: I’m a control freak. I want to control everything and everyone around me. I want the people around me to do what I want them to do so that I am not inconvenienced.

That goes double for my own family sadly.

It causes me great sadness and forces me to repentance when those closest to me point out things in my life that don’t match what I claim to believe. During a conversation the other night with my wife, she made a statement that cut me deeply. But that cut caused me to examine my own heart, leading to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and to confession. I don’t remember exactly how she phrased what she said but it was along the lines of this:

“You know so much theology and have such knowledge but the way you act sometimes looks like you don’t really understand grace.”

My immediate reaction proved that she was right. My immediate reaction was not confession and repentance but anger and defensiveness. She was showing me so much love and grace to even point out an obvious sin in my life and I proved that very sin by doing exactly what she was pointing out.
I lack grace and tenderness and humility in my own home and marriage. That caused me to meditate on some things that I’m still thinking and praying about.

1. Loving confrontation is hard to do properly

My wife called me out on something and justly so. Here’s the problem. She was afraid to do it because she was afraid of how I would respond. Do you know how heart breaking that is, that your own wife is afraid of how you’ll respond? I am deeply saddened that my own wife is afraid to confront me in love with sin in my life for fear that I’ll respond in anger rather than with sorrow and repentance and kindness and grace.

Confronting sin in our hearts is hard, especially when we think we’ve got it figured out. And lest you think you won’t get angry when people call you out on sin, take a hard look at yourself. If you’re anything like me, you’ll find yourself being defensive. Being defensive is a sure sign of pride and a lack of grace (I’m raising my own hand right now).

When those who love us confront us with sin in our lives, let’s be gracious and humble and receive that confrontation for what it is: It is God’s kindness to us that He gives us others who will love us enough to demand more.

2. Swallow your pride and recognize sin.

For me, pride is a major sin in my life. I know at its root my angry reaction to confrontation is pride. Pride in thinking I’ve got it all figured out and I don’t need you or anyone else to point out sin. Pride in thinking I know it all. I’ve honestly found that many in the Reformed camp (raising my own hand) have so much knowledge that it can make us proud. We think we’re smart cause we spend hours reading and studying and talking about deep theological things. But we’ve missed a hard truth.

Pride kills grace.

Theology does you no good if it doesn’t change your heart. Our knowledge should lead us to more humility. If not, then we do not actually understand the doctrines of grace.

3. Confess your sin to those you have sinned against.

It isn’t enough that I agree with God’s assessment of the sin in my heart if I don’t then confess it and turn in repentance away from my sin and into His arms of mercy. And don’t just confess to Him. Let us confess to each other and to the ones we’ve sinned against. Say to them, “I have sinned against you by…(you fill in the blank)”

As soon as that conversation happened with my wife, the Holy Spirit immediately pricked me with this question:

What if God treated you with the same grace you gave to others?

That one hurt. If God loved me the same way I love others, I’d have to jump through all kinds of hoops and perform. I’d have to say the right thing all the time, behave as He wanted me to before I could come to Him.

That’s not grace.
That’s not mercy.
And it’s not how God receives us.

Our Father receives us just as we are. We don’t have to say the right thing, eat with our fork and not our hands, pick up our own messes and be quiet and polite before He will accept us. Praise Him for His mercy that He doesn’t tell us to get ourselves together before coming to Him!. He just says ‘Come.’ And when we’ve messed up and sinned, He welcomes us warmly back to His arms saying, “Your debt is already paid. You don’t have to earn your way back.” (Isaiah 55:1-2)

Let us drink freely of the fountain of grace. The price has been paid on a hill called Golgotha.
​
Soli Deo Gloria!