Over the last several months there have been some constants in my life. Amidst all the upheaval and emotional turmoil and uncertainty, there have been three things that have been always there. Those things are depression, discouragement and the love of God.
Now I know that sounds strange. It’s a little weird at first glance that I would put those three things together in the same sentence, in the same breath. So let me explain a little if I can. Almost every day for the last 8 or so months, I have fought depression and discouragement. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed because I dread another day of this battle.
Even guys like me get tired of the battle.
I don’t say that to sound like I’m cool or some kind of badass or something. I say that simply because I am not a quitter. I hate quitters. I would rather die than quit. But there have been many days recently, for the first time in my life, that I have said out loud to God, “I give up.”
I never thought I’d see the day when I cried ‘uncle.’
Every day the battle with depression and discouragement rages in my heart and mind. Every hour of every day it is a reality that I cannot ignore and I know my family sees. And I refuse to hide the pain from my wife and children. I mean, sometimes I try to act like a tough guy but my wife sees right through that. But she’s also super gracious and so kind and lets me go when I say that nothing is wrong. She knows that’s not true but she’s gentle in her pushback, and that’s a good thing. See, I don’t think I could handle too much “tough love” right now. I don’t think telling me to suck it up is going to do any good. I know this cause I keep saying it to myself and it’s not really helping much.
And then I take up the Bible and read. Here I find some comfort.
Here’s what I mean. Almost every single person that followed God, according to the Bible, had seasons of depression, discouragement, despair and pain. In fact, the constant witness of the Bible is that, if you are sold out to God, you are going to have problems in this life. The great prophets of the Old Testament cried out to God in their discouragement and pain. Elijah even went so far as to long for his own death. Job sat in the ashes of his life and wept, seeking answers. David cried out to God over and over again in the Psalms. Moses asked God to take the burden of leadership from him. And the list goes on….
And this brings me comfort. I am warmed by the fire of the testimony of the cries of those who followed God faithfully and paid the price for their passion. And with all their cries and tears, with all my cries and tears and despair and depression and discouragement, there has been another constant.
Jesus, the lover of my soul, my elder brother, my Lord and Saviour has been with me at all times. It hasn’t always felt that way. I’ve cried out to Him and still do every day to take this from me. But He hasn’t. Maybe He will and maybe He won’t. The Apostle Paul cried out to God that He would take from him a “thorn in the flesh.” But God’s response was not to take it away and give Paul a life of ease. No, He said what Paul probably didn’t want to hear and what I certainly don’t want to hear.
“My grace is sufficient.”
“I am enough.”
This is the constant testimony of those who cried out to God in Scripture. He showed them who He was. I find it compelling and instructive that God almost never answered any of the ‘whys’ of His servants. Rather than give them a reason, He simply showed them who He was. Jesus did the same thing when John the Baptist questioned. John sent his disciples to ask “Are you the One?” Jesus could have just said yes. But He didn’t. He said, “Go back and tell John what you have seen.” Go back, Jesus said, and tell John who I am.
Maybe you’re like me right now. Maybe you’re going through something that has you anxious or depressed or discouraged or whatever. May I offer three things that have helped me?
There have been so many days, moments when I haven’t known what to say to God and frankly haven’t even wanted to talk to Him. What has helped me has been the Book of Common Prayer. Every day, I pray the Daily Office. What I have found in this is that my prayer time has become more focused on who God is and less focused on what I want.
And that is a very good thing.
2. Bible reading
Most days I don’t feel like reading the Bible. I force myself to do it most times. Again, the Daily Office has been helpful for me here. I don’t have to wonder what I’m going to read or pick what I want to read, I simply follow the lectionary readings. I have been often amazed at how precisely appropriate the text was for me that very day.
Even when we don’t want to hear from God, we need to. In fact, I might even say that is the time you need to hear from Him most: when you don’t want to. Read His Word. Let Him speak to you in His Word. It will form you and mold and shape your heart over time and you may not even realize it.
That is also a very good thing.
3. Corporate worship
This may sound odd to you but I cannot overemphasize the importance of the corporate worship gathering of God’s people for you during a time of hardship. For me, the constant proclamation of God’s Word, praying together, singing together, kneeling and rising and affirming our faith in the Creeds of the Church have been weekly balm for an aching heart. But the thing about gathering with the Church that has been the most profound for me has been the Eucharist. The real presence of Jesus at the Table with His people has been of unspeakable comfort to me. Knowing the He is with us, with me when I come to His Table has been profoundly shaping and moving for me.
The gift of Jesus’ presence at the Eucharistic Table is a very very good thing.
I know this has been long so I’ll wrap it up. I want you to know if you’re going through a hard time that you are not alone. Jesus is with you. His Church is with you. Cry out to Him in prayer, seek Him in His Word and come humbly to His Table and you will find rest for your soul!
Soli Deo Gloria!
Dear Brother, I was encouraged to read your last post “Sufficient Grace.” I appreciated you sharing from an authentic heart. The things you talked about “the three things that are constant in your life...depression, discouragement and the Love for God,” was a good way to put into words of what I have felt , but haven’t been able to formulate. As I’m reading along, I was thinking how much I understand these “constance” in your life. I struggle too, in the same way, I then doubt myself that I really do Love God. I say to myself, “Well, if I really Loved God, there wouldn’t be such days of a spiritual battle or darkness that make my flesh want to stay in bed , under the covers, or hide myself from the rest of the world. Certainly, I must be lacking in my trust and love for God.” However, then I’m reminded of the many prophets who were called by God to speak “Thus says the Lord...”who struggled with these two very things., and yet loved God. They loved Him so much that many died for proclaiming the Truth and the warnings to Israel. How thankful I am that God knows our frame, and yet still uses us in our weakness to show forth His power and glory in our lives..
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